Not an Empty Nest…

by Tonya

Life has kept me busy and I have continued to procrastinate on this blogging adventure. Writing is always on my mind and for some reason I have not made it a priority. There are many moments throughout the day that I feel compelled to write and by the time evening rolls around my inspiration is gone. As with everyone, life keeps rolling along and many times I want to share because I know others are going through the same things as me.

If I am honest, I also don’t write because I feel this blog needs a specific theme or direction. The details have not yet been ironed out and I hope that by writing and sharing with others this space will evolve into what it is meant to be.

Changes are happening very rapidly around me. I am the mom of fantastic teenagers and an incredible young man who just left my sweet nest… My oldest son is 20 years old and just purchased his own home. What a great time for him! I am so inspired by his drive and initiative to make life exactly what he wants it to be. I am not the mom whose heart is suffering because my kids are growing up. Contrarily, I am the mom who is celebrating their accomplishments and encouraging them to live exactly as they envision. Motherhood is hard but I have found that celebrating my kids as individuals has helped me to handle the ever-changing life I am gifted.

My second son was just accepted to college. Those who know my family understand that for this child there is reason to be exuberant. God sends each of us to earth with a unique set of challenges and strength. Well, this child has had a very rough time in school, battling learning disabilities since he started. However, this child is receiving an advanced diploma (in spite of school recommending he strive for a standard diploma) and this child has been accepted to a 4-year college. I am so very excited for him and cannot wait to see who he becomes. He has been given charisma and charm and a kind heart and determination. I know he was given to me to help me learn patience and to learn to slow down. I don’t believe that being a mother is all about teaching our children; I believe that being a mother is about loving but also to learn from our kids. I know I have learned tremendous, valuable lessons from my kids and for that I am grateful.

The changes continue happening all around me. I have only been working for about 8 months after being a wife and mom for 22 years, getting divorced, and completing my degree. Professionally, I have no idea where I will end up. All of it is very uncertain and I cannot see that path at all. This is where I feel unsettled. I know I want to make a difference to others, my heart wants to give and spread kindness in every aspect of my life. But, kindness doesn’t pay the bills. I am trying to focus on joy, gratitude and following the gentle promptings I receive. If I have learned anything during this major transition period, it is that things always have a way of working out….

Through all this, I don’t feel my nest is emptying, I feel it swelling with goodness and sharing….

The Little Bow

by Tonya

I am really good at the good stuff. I seem to operate with rainbows and unicorns. Today I have been pondering some of the larger, more difficult questions about me – about life.

Yesterday I wrote “Not Perfection but Intention.” I had additional thoughts on the topic and for several reasons I did not share them. One reason is that I was interrupted by my fourteen year old son and sometimes being interrupted puts a halt on a particular thought. The other reason I did not share my thoughts is because many of them were unfinished or I felt apprehensive, insecure, vulnerable about my feelings. Spending some time alone today, I realized that my desire for perfection still exists. I am compelled to tie everything in a pretty little bow.

What about the raw-ness of me – where is that? Who sees or hears that part? Do I even have it?

In speaking with this older man at church one Sunday, he told me that he relates to people sometimes by cussing. He said that it helps people connect with him and see him as someone more relatable. I chuckled but totally understood his point. However, in my head I thought, “I won’t do that.” Several months passed and as we were catching up he said to me, “stop trying so hard to be perfect; just be. Enjoy life, enjoy your kids and know that you already are.”

In my marriage I had abandoned my spiritual relationship with God. My intention was to be a great, obedient wife. Now, I have a stronger spirit and I am working tremendously hard to stay close to God by doing what is right. I am having hard, honest conversations with my kids. I have shared openly MY part in our divorce. I am learning to be real about who I am and where I fall short. I am trying to be accepting of the real me and improve in many areas.

Am I still striving for perfection or am I honestly intending to be the best me I can be?

I know I am trying to be my very best self. I fail every single day. I have teenagers and you know what, sometimes they are just jerks! They test my patience, worry me sick and hurt my heart. I cry, I laugh, and there have been moments that my kids have been cussed out. Am I proud of it? No. But, it happens and those moments are very real and raw and totally unintentional. When I act with purpose everything is tidy and orderly – I carefully choose words and attempt to tie everyone’s feelings in a pretty little bow….

The whole point of this post is exactly this paragraph here. I have work to do. I have a lot of personal growth that needs to happen. At some point I need to accept that things are messy. I want to write and I know I have a lot to share. I must learn that not everything needs a summary – I am confident that is where the story begins….

Not Perfection but Intention

by Tonya

This is a difficult topic for me at times; difficult because I feel like this is like the spin cycle on the washing machine. Don’t we strive for perfection although we know perfection is unattainable?

As I may have mentioned, I am divorced and my situation was complicated. I think back to my marriage and it would be easy to blame him for everything bad that happened. Simplistically I can blame him because I know my intention behind every-single-thing that happened to us (good and bad). I do know that my intention was to be the perfect wife. Complicated, right?

This is one of the areas I truly failed. As I say that it sounds weird because how can my intention of being the perfect wife mean I failed? Isn’t intention everything? Perhaps. However, I had it all wrong. I thought being the perfect wife meant carrying every emotion myself rather than sharing, it meant taking every load from him instead of asking for partnership, it meant relieving him of every responsibility at home, and it meant that I allowed him to dump everything bad on me each and every day, because my intention was to be the perfect wife… When things really (I mean really) started falling apart I begged, suffered, and pleaded for him to see my intention in every misstep. I suddenly had this burning desire for him to know why I had become that woman. But, he didn’t know me – my intention to be perfect was completed shortsighted and I was suddenly alone with a mountain of feelings I had never shared – at least not with him.

Perfection is not possible. We all know that, but striving for perfection with good intention isn’t bad. Unless…. there are countless examples to put here “I just wanted the promotion to better support my family but I stepped on my colleague on the way up.” These situations become complicated. I try incredibly hard to see inside the hearts of others so I can understand intentions. I have not always been strong and confident – I am working on that each day. So, there have been times where I have taken the easy road but with good intention. Looking back there are situations I could have handled much better.

Intention should include honesty, transparency, and kindness. I remember times where I was not always honest because I wanted to protect another’s feelings. While my intention was to keep them from hurting, I can see now that I was absolutely misguided. What a selfish action! I wanted to protect feelings because I was afraid of the repercussions on me. Was that kind? No!

I have grown so much these last few years. It is true, through your struggles you find your strength. I recognize now that I never even knew myself. How could I have known me? I strive now to do things deliberately. I am FAR from perfect and I know that striving to be perfect is absolutely unreasonable. My goal is to do things kindly, honestly, and purposely. I am working towards being a communicator even when things are difficult. I am learning that I am not perfect and the things I feel make me very real, vulnerable, and human. When life sucks or people are rude and hurtful, I have made the choice to kindly and respectfully stand up for me. I do not need to be a baggage carrier or a dumping ground. I intend each day to put other’s before me and to reach out when friends are in my thoughts. I intend to share kindness in all aspects of my life, even when a day is challenging. Life is not about me, it is not about being the “perfect” mother or girlfriend. I believe the meaning in life is to share goodness and love. Sometimes the sharing includes being real and less-than-perfect so others don’t feel alone. Intend to be kind; intend to be honest; intend to be genuine because intention means everything.

Just a little side note – the origin of the word perfect (11c.) Latin perfectus “completed, excellent, accomplished, exquisite,”…. Therefore, be kind to yourself because based on that definition, you’re already perfect – be intent….

Gentle Nudge…

by admin

Driving to work yesterday I felt very grateful. The morning was crisp and the air lifted my spirit. The night before I was texting a friend and she expressed that the last few weeks have been difficult for her. I was pretty upset with myself for not reaching out to her sooner because she had crossed my mind several times.

I do pray every day. I pray for the Lord to place in my thoughts the people who need help. I do try to act when people pop into my head. However, in this instance I did not. The friend is a newer friend and not one I am that close with yet. I know we will cultivate a strong, lasting friendship but I feel guilty because I was not being a real friend. I know many things just “happen.” I believe that when we have the opportunity to do good, we are given the gentle nudge and it is our choice to act on it. In our world today acting on the nudge is so simple.

I was in the kitchen, having the best night ever – baking while my daughter played music. I was again prompted about my friend and sent a quick text letting her know I would be sharing pumpkin cream cheese bread with her. She was delighted and then shared her difficulties. I had not been the friend I want to be because I had not reached out when given the chance. We chatted a little more and I tried to lift her spirits. Then yesterday morning a song came on my playlist and I felt prompted to share it with her. She text me and said it made her weep and was just what she needed.

I am grateful for the gentle nudges I receive from God. I want to be the person who helps others in whatever capacity they need. I shut the door on so many people during my marriage and the beginning of our separation. Accepting help was hard for me, being vulnerable was hard for me, and there was NO WAY I would have ever shared my truth about what happened in our home. A friend of mine gently nudged me when she placed a loaf of bread on my porch with a note that said “I can’t get you off my mind. I hope you are well and I love you.” That was the day that I wept and knew that I needed friends and help. I knew it was okay to be less than perfect and I knew that God loves me. Knowing I had real friends, friends who did not judge me for being distant for so many years was a reminder that although life absolutely sucked – I had a lot to be grateful for. I began to open up and share my story.

Sharing brings about healing. I learned more about myself, my family, and others by sharing my life and story. I actually began to feel deeply the loss of my marriage but found strength I never knew existed. Isolating myself kept me from facing the reality of who I had become and what was happening around me. I had many people pick me up and carry me through the hard stuff – I want to be that person to others. I feel deeply grateful that I can be a friend and that I am trusted. We could all use a little more self-less-ness….

The Knock of Uncertainty

by admin

Sometimes the knock on the door is very quiet; other times it seems like the rapping is like a skillet being pounded on your head. Both of these sounds can be scary or exciting and the volume does not necessarily indicate which emotion should be felt.

When I think about the sounds, I am reminded that the knock (at least in my past) was met with fear. One time I heard an actual, near silent, knock on my front door. It was a weekday morning and I was home alone after putting the kids on the bus. Uncertain whether I was hearing things, I looked out the window and assured myself no one was there. The knock came again, only a little louder, and I became terrified. I locked myself in my room and suddenly the locked front door slammed shut…. this was a traumatic experience in my life and as I look back on it, I can remember the horror I felt. Today, however, I see how the terrifying knock on my door that early morning has shaped a part of me and can be identified as an experience that changed me.

The more figurative knocks have happened in my life as well. Just this week I had an opportunity knock on my door. I agreed to pursue it; to do my part. Working hard to stick to my word as frequently as possible, I followed through. But the few days between made me question why? As I questioned why, and made excuses trying to reason that this opportunity would not work, I was reminded of all the times in my life that I had shut doors because I thought I knew what was best. But did I really? Weren’t the times of uncertain knocking the times when I grew the most?

I listened to a podcast titled, “The Gift of Uncertainty” Although the podcast is faith-based, there are many good points about knowledge in general. Amy Tanner says, “Knowledge that is complete and certain can also be limiting and quite uninteresting. A living knowledge that changes and grows, adapts and motivates us to action is a knowledge that embraces states of uncertainty and not knowing because these states lead us toward change and growth. In fact, as humans we quickly move on from facts to what we can do with these facts or to questions that stretch our understanding of its limits.”  These ideas really resonate with me. This point of my life is completely uncertain; however, I have learned to enjoy the living knowledge I gain every day. I am searching for knowledge beyond the facts presented to me. Sometimes the facts keep me from taking a risk or exploring opportunities. It is so easy to overthink and analyze that the door is actually never opened rather locked more tightly.

As I learned the terrifying way, a knock on the door should not be ignored or avoided. When the thing on the other side is just uncertainty, what does it hurt to explore it? In fact, even when fear might be waiting, how can that fear be turned into an avenue for greatest growth? Maybe taking a leap and exploring the opportunities could lead to great joy even if the road is not pretty. There is comfort in knowing but life is exciting and bumpy (not always comfortable), so please be kind along the uncertain path….

We All Have Stuff

by admin

We all have “stuff.” Whether we want to admit our mistakes, flaws, or hardships, we all have “stuff.” Often times people want to just wear a happy face or pretend life is great. Heck, social media is an avenue for everyone to show and share all the good things in life. I am a person who knows the power of gratitude and positive thinking. Lives can truly change just from a different attitude. I think it is very important for people to share goodness. But, is there a price when we constantly pretend life is perfect?

I will admit that creating this blog is intimidating to me. I have procrastinated and put it off for months and months and a big reason for that is because I plan to share the hard parts of my life. I want to help others and feel that by letting people inside my world they will know they are not alone.

I am a divorced mom of 4 teenagers. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I was an exceptional wife and wanted nothing more than to live the happily ever after. I danced around with my head in the clouds and pretended life was perfect. I wanted, no I needed perfect. Then reality hit and life got really bumpy. Ok, maybe bumpy is not the right word – perfect turned to hell. As I look back, I can see that perfect was never there. Perfect never existed and all the signs were there but I chose to ignore them. I often think about the tremendous effort it took to keep things perfect, to be what I thought was a perfect wife; however, now I can see that those efforts could never have ensured lifelong happiness if I refused to know me nor have the ability to set boundaries and communicate.

I have a very tender heart. I am a peacemaker and strive to be kind to everyone. My journey is riddled with stories that are absolutely absurd and ridiculous but as I have been open about me, I am learning that what seemed unreal happens to many people. I used to go to lunch with my friends and we talked about stuff. Looking back now, we never discussed the truly hard stuff – the things that actually happen all the time. We only scratched the surface. I do have genuine friends but my friendships have changed since my separation. Valuing family and marriage, I chose friends who cherished those things as much as me. Then I became the odd-ball. I started needing my friends differently than I had needed them before – I needed people to truly listen to me, to allow me to be extremely vulnerable and to lift me. I hated being a burden but I could not do it alone. As I have been open and brutally honest about my life before, during, and after divorce, my friends have started sharing their struggles with me. I am so grateful for their vulnerability and trust. I pray that I can be a light for them and I pray to be the friend they need.

So, as I make a genuine effort to blog, I want everyone to know that I am intimidated yet unafraid to share life. I may share silly stories from the day, recipes, or hardships. I am not an expert on anything but I am stronger than I knew I could be. At this point, I am loving life, loving the greatest man in the world, and embracing my unique teenagers. Now, I want to write and blog and help enrich the lives of everyone.

Kindness

by admin

The value of a word

The other day I was speaking with a group of friends and we were discussing New Year’s Resolutions. It was the second week of January and many of us laughed at the idea. Some of us had not bothered making resolutions because we knew they would just be broken and the others had already broken their resolutions. However, one of my friends said that she had foregone the resolution concept in favor of a word. Her word was “prepared.” She chose this word because she often felt unprepared and those feelings created stress and panic in her world. Having this word embedded in her mind helped in changing her attitude and goals each day. She began prepping for the next morning at night to avoid conflict getting the kids off to school which, in turn, allowed some peaceful moments with her husband before he went to work. This word was providing hope for an easier, happier lifestyle.

I have pondered the idea of a 2019 word. Initially I wanted my word to be “joy.” For me, joy is different than happiness; it is deeper in the soul. But, that word doesn’t fit, because I know that I can achieve joy through kindness; therefore, my word this year is kindness.

Kindness is such an important act. It is a decision, a conscious choice or action. Kindness is the golden rule. Each of us has an opportunity, always, to choose how to act and how to speak. There are many situations when we may feel threatened or annoyed, or someone may be rude to us. However, you are not responsible for how ANYONE acts except for yourself. How you respond to someone is absolutely up to you. You can choose to be kind.

My story is long, and a few of my experiences can be pretty intense. And, as I begin this blogging journey I am ready to share them. What I want to express right now is that joy comes from the actions we choose. When choosing to be kind in painful, difficult situations, healing and joy bloom. So while kindness has been my word for over a year, I want to continue the growth of that word as a part of my identity. Through kindness I have found healing, friendship, confidence, strength, love and joy.

Please, begin this adventure with me. Share what inspires you and tell me if you have a word and how that word will impact your life. We are all here, sharing this world – let’s have some fun!